Black Secrets

They don't wear any flag or colors you can see

But we see black when they attack you and me.

Sometimes they kiss us good morning ;

Then with a hiss they strike without warning.

To others they appear so sweet & kind

If only Mom didn't act so blind

The sickness grows inside of this soul

But he threatens me if I ever told

He stalks in the darkness; sneaking about

My soul starts to jump; churning inside & out

He is next to the bed; suddenly there looking around

The hand shoots up; then comes clasping down

Molding tight against my mouth

Keeping me quiet so that I don't shout

There's another hand that rips & tears at my breast

It feels like fire as it rubs on my chest

Gently at first but then so painful

The breast isn't grown to give him his handful

The little girl is terrified and wants to cry

But she curls inside & tries to hide

If her soul can bury the feeling she has

Then she won't feel the fury of his attack

His eyes are glowing

The devil is showing

The hand still gripping around her mouth

Grows tighter as his other hand burns going south

"Why does he hurt me so as his hand moves about?"

Grabbing, digging, probing, & pinching

Twisting & turning the hand is stinging

My sister is sleeping next to my side

She sleeps and never once opens her eyes

Mom is asleep in the room through the door

She never accepts truth & my cries are ignored

Quietly gathering in the corner of my eyes

A tear trickles down as my soul starts to die

The hand on my mouth is released just a bit

He shoves in his penis; but nobody sees it

"Where is God to attack this devil?"

"He should put him in the ground

all neat and level."

The little girl is now tightly holding her breath

Still he pushes inside as he twists her young breasts

He pulls out so quick and grabs my hand

On my vagina is where it must land

It's almost over she screams loud inside

He'll soon prowl away & leave me to cry

The filth is now stained deep in my soul

But there's nowhere to go;

I'll be dead if I told

The nightmare is there stalking & haunting

Every morning the others are laughing & taunting

"Why can't they see the mark left on me?"

I want to scream but there's no way to break free

He threatens me always to keep his secret

He will kill me if ever I speak it

Throughout the years the burden of shame

Grew so deep; angry & maimed

The Lord has taken the devil away

A part of me is peaceful; finally safe

My burdened soul starts opening up

But the horror again has swung in and struck

The secret shame I've been forced to carry inside

Is creeping its way from where it did hide.

Finally I look at the world and scream

See my star - Now watch it gleam!!!

Written by: Patricia A. McKnight
Author; My Justice

Survivors-Stress-Triggers-Holidays

We all know how much added stress comes from the holiday season, but if you are a survivor of Child Abuse or Domestic Violence or if you were raised in a home where Domestic Violence occurred you may suffer additionally from the triggers set on by this time of year. It is tragic to think that a time when its supposed to be all about happiness and family that there would suddenly be an invasion of violence, but unfortunately for many this is the case. This time of the year is when more suicides occur from the strain put on us and the sadness that overwhelms us. The survivors of abuse know very well how the horror of their memories haunt them.


Survivors of child abuse often get anxious with the thoughts of being around those who caused our pain. Maybe we are hit with panic attacks just from the idea of spending time with those who chose to ignore the abuses. If you are in a domestic violence situation maybe you are dealing with the panic of wondering when your partner will explode. It usually isn't a matter of "Will they", but instead "When will they"? Someone who is living in ANY type of abusive situation will be suffering with depression, fear, anxiety, and possibly even the thought of suicide. Unfortunately I know this well because of my own history and experience. I had the trauma of surviving through both; twelve years of sadistic abuse as a child and more than twenty years in repeated abusive relationships.


As a child I wanted to be so excited about Christmas and presents, but for me it wasn't possible. Our family tradition was to have my step-brother and his family, along with close friends of my parents, over for an evening of drinks and dinner. I was the oldest girl so it became my duty to help prepare the feast, serve the drinks, collect any presents that were brought over and put them under the tree, and of course be the gofer for whatever anyone needed. This was my normal everyday experience though, so waiting on everyone wasn't anything different for me. I usually got to open a present if someone brought it to me, but on most of these Christmas Eve's I was just there to help out. My brothers, who were older, would usually hangout in their room; my little sister would always get presents because she was still very young. The one thing I could always depend on was the argument that would start after my stepfather had a few drinks. As the night went on and the gifts were traded between friends and family, the guest would often get aggravated at my stepfather's demanding behavior towards me and slowly begin to leave. By the end of the evening the rage in his voice would be fierce when he called on me to do something; I was his slave instead of a child to be loved.


After everyone was gone it was time for me to get the mess of our evening cleaned up. My mother would go to her room or sit in the chair to crochet while I was made to get everything back in order. As I finished the last of the dishes and walked my tired self into bed, my head would begin the normal stages of anticipated panic over his nigh time visit. It never failed that as the lights went out in our home he would come creeping into my room and the thick coal stained hand would cover my mouth to hold me captive while my body endured the burning pain of his touching and probing. As I finally drifted off to sleep I knew the morning would be happy and calm for at least the first few hours of dawn. The Christmas day however would continue the daily cycle of his drunken rage, his demanding control of my moments and the expected serving and cleaning up of the holiday meal.


As I went through the many different adult relationships, I found myself feeling that same type of stress when I was cooking the Christmas dinner and entertaining the family and friends that came to my home. It would begin to rush through my body like a hot blade as I served up all of the dinner plates, the many sweets I would bake the night before, picking up all the messes from the children's morning of excitement and again going above the call of hostess to ensure that every one's needs and wants were met. The same stress that I was filled with as a child would eat away at me inside while I tried to maintain a house full of joy for everyone else.


The different relationships required a different ending to the night of holiday joy. Some of them would be interrupted with a raging voice of anger over something not quite perfect. If I was lucky they would pass out drunk during the clean up and I would be able to tuck my children in quietly with hugs and kisses for sweet dreams. Almost always though would be that same expectation of sexual gratification they demanded for allowing me a fun filled family holiday. Whichever way my day went, it was still the same panic, stress, perfection and voice of demand that controlled my Christmas holiday. I don't remember a holiday season that my triggers weren't set off in high gear the moment I woke on first day of December; it seemed the dread of the holiday set in instantly.


If you are a survivor of the childhood or domestic abuse you probably have felt these same feelings of stress and depression. Perhaps you still live in that dreaded holiday abuse that seems to gain fuel this time of year; however, I pray that you are not. If you no longer are in that abusive environment then please try to remember these five things to help get you through:
1) First and foremost, remember that you are now safe. There is no longer the rage of an angry parent or partner that is dominating over you and instilling that feeling of fear.
2) Try to remember that the emotions you are feeling are memories of the hell you survived. Memories only have the power you give them, so try to keep your focus on the good things in your life right now. It may help to alleviate that growing sense of stress you feel.
3) Remember that it is your life now!! No longer does anyone expect perfection from you, except maybe yourself. It may seem that everything needs to be perfect for your holiday, but relax and enjoy it rather than trying to keep up with the pile of messy dishes.
4) It is important to acknowledge these buried emotions that are coming into your brain. Allow yourself some time to cry while listening to that perfect emotional song, or scream out in the woods if you need to. If you feel overwhelmed by what's going on around you then step off into a quiet room for a few minutes to regroup and get your thoughts back to the present instead of the past.
5) Reach out to someone you trust for support. Other people don't know what you are feeling inside so they can't see what is bringing you down in a day that should be filled with fun and laughter. Perhaps if you talk it out you will be able to let go of that additional stress you feel right now. It could be a great place to start your healing.


We all should be able to enjoy this holiday time. You deserve the emotions of happiness as much as you try to give it out to others. Take a deep breath and as you exhale let the bad memory flow out of your body and diminish into the air around you. It is my wish that you be blessed with the peace and happiness you deserve this holiday season and always.


Patricia A. McKnight
Author: "My Justice"
Creator of "Survivor's World" online support group
Blogtalk Radio Host - "Survivor's Speak Out"
Sponsored by: Dreamcatchers for Abused Children
Non-profit 501(c)3 Child Abuse Organization
http://www.dreamcatchersforabusedchildren.com/
"My Justice" available through:
http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000373503/My-Justice.aspx
http://www.amazon.com/My-Justice-Patricia-McKnight/dp/1452071691/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323705462&sr=1-1
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-justice-patricia-a-mcknight/1100371904?ean=9781452071695&itm=1&usri=my+justice

May you have roses in your garden of life